Why Snooki should not win a Teen Choice Award

I posted this at my other blog today, but I thought it was appropriate for this blog too. Read on…

This morning I saw that Snooki, of the reality show Jersey Shore, is nominated for a Teen Choice Award. This bothered me for a few reasons:

1) Her name is Snooki. Must I go on, really?

2) I actually kind of like Jersey Shore, I’m ashamed to admit, but I wouldn’t want my teenager watching it!

3) All Snooki does in that show is get drunk, sleep with men, make funny noises and eat pickles. And we’re giving her an award because…

I decided to go onto the Teen Choice Award website to see what, exactly, Snooki was nominated for. (Female Variety Star.) Turns out, the only way you can see the nominees is if you register. *rolls eyes* I almost didn’t go through with it, but as is my motivation behind watching Jersey Shore in the first place, I just couldn’t turn back at that point. It asked for my email address and birth date. When I clicked “Submit,” I received the following message:

“Sorry, you don’t fit the age requirements for voting.”

Ouch. I am officially too old to vote for the Teen Choice Awards. If that’s not a wakeup call, I don’t know what is. I wouldn’t let that defeat me, though. To spite the system, I went back and used a fake birth date. (I hope the Teen Choice authorities don’t read this and arrest me.)

I finally got in, expecting to see the Twilight series dominating the list of choices. It didn’t. In fact, I was disheartened by many of the nominees. There are several categories—movies, music, TV, summer, other—and they were littered with choices that I wouldn’t consider appropriate for teens. Movies like No Strings Attached (story about friends who sleep together just for the fun of it) and Something Borrowed (girl has an affair with best friend’s fiancé). Shows like Gossip Girl (so filled with licentiousness I don’t even know where to start) and comedians like Daniel Tosh (who takes inappropriate to a whole new level). And Snooki isn’t the only Jersey Shore representative there. Her cohorts DJ Pauly D and The Situation are nominated for Best Male Variety Star, and the show itself is up for Best Reality Show.

For the first time in my life, I actually WISHED that Twilight were nominated for every award.

I know I sound like a total prude, but I’m just sad that these are the values our teens are encouraged to honor, and with awards, no less. I didn’t even know teens were watching this stuff; I thought it was only young adults who watched, to be reminded of how stupid they were when they were that age doing those things. Two things I learned today: I’m old AND I’m naive.

My daughter isn’t a teenager yet, but those years will be here before I know it. I can’t even imagine what kind of movies and TV shows she’ll be exposed to by then. And I don’t know how I’m going to handle her inevitable desire to watch them. It’s my hope that, whether she watches them or not, she’ll know the kinds of behavior that should and should not be glorified, that she’ll look at the Snookis of the world and laugh. After all, a parent’s job is not to keep kids away from garbage but to teach them that it is, in fact, garbage. This is my new mission as a mother. Wish me luck.

Road Trip 2.0

Dear Daughter,

I’m sad to say that the art of conquering road trip boredom is a dying one.

This past weekend, we went on a mini vacation to Nashville, Tennessee. It took us 7 hours to drive there, which would have felt like an eternity when I was a kid, but to you it breezed by, thanks to the many electronic devices with which your generation has been spoiled blessed.

I took many a road trip when I was younger—twice-a-year, 13-hour drives to New Jersey in a conversion van. My siblings and I could write the book on how to keep busy during an agonizingly long trip: the license plate game, snack, car bingo, snack, the alphabet game, nap, snack, pull each other’s hair, snack…

Even though we became pros at keeping busy (and gained 10 pounds doing so), none of those activities were particularly satisfying. And it never failed that the last couple hours of the trip were like awaiting the release from prison. So close, yet so far away.

But for you, my dear, the road trip is just as enjoyable as an afternoon in your own living room. Via your PSP and my iPhone, you entertained yourself with movies and games, all while having free reign of the entire back seat. (See, there are benefits to being an only child.) Your generation has been given the gift of constant entertainment and, while I’m grateful not to have to hear the words “Are we there yet?”, this fact kind of makes me sad. You don’t have to use your creativity like we did when we were kids. You don’t have to suffer through hours of boredom, only to have a greater appreciation of your destination when it finally arrives. The phrase “the best things come to those who wait” does not apply to you in this situation because to you it doesn’t really feel like waiting; you’re just having fun.

In other words, these portable video games have taken the character-building aspect out of the road trip.

Perhaps for the next vacation, I’ll make a rule that no electronic devices are allowed. Car bingo, get ready to make a comeback…

Love,
Mom

Who wears short shorts?

Dear Daughter,

It’s summertime, and I’ve noticed that a lot of teen and pre-teen girls are wearing super short shorts this year.

I pray with all of my heart that this fashion trend is over and done with by the time you reach that age. “Lord,” I pray, “Please bring back the bermuda short in about 4 years, and keep it around for the following 6 years. Amen.”

I don’t know much about how boys think but I do know that when a girl wears short shorts, boys look at her in a way they wouldn’t if she were wearing, say, a burka. The short shorts make their imaginations roam, because their hands wouldn’t have far to roam if given the chance… *shudder*

Of course, I haven’t been able to wear short shorts since I was like 6 years old, so maybe I’m just jealous of the girls who can sport them confidently. I have inherited thunder thighs and therefore have never been comfortable wearing any pair of shorts, let alone short ones. I also pray that I haven’t passed on this same gene to you. “Lord,” I pray, “Please save my daughter the misery of always having to figure out ways to cover up her legs, which at times can be just as difficult as covering up a lie. Of course, if you bring back the bermudas, this won’t be a problem anyway. Amen.”

In all honesty, though, my aversion to short shorts has nothing to do with my own inability to wear them. It’s because I know what lots of exposed skin does to a boy, and what that boy’s reaction could do to a girl, and how that could lead to scandal, heartbreak, babies and Welfare.

Am I blowing things out of proportion? Perhaps. But seriously, if you just wear the bermudas, you’ll make me one happy mama.

Love,
Mom